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The Online Magazine FOR and ABOUT Southside Virginia

8/16/2022

Ask Bubba

A Bubba "Back To Skool" Special Edition

Dear Bubba,
   My oldest boy is starting KidneyGarden this year.
  This is the first child I am sendin' off to school, and I don't know what he needs.
  Since it's been a long time since I was a kid in school and times have changed, I need some advice about do's and don'ts. Kin ya he'p me?

  Signed,

Confusilated Pop

Dear Confusilated,

   First off, it is oblivious to ol' Bubba that YOU just might be in need of some demedial learnin'.

   It is not KidneyGarden, it is KiddyGarden. Think about it, you ain't sending your Kidney to school are you?

   Having got that outta the way, let's see what we can do fer yer Kiddy.

   Now, It's been a long time since Bubba was a young'n too, but some things never change.

   Do NOT send expolosives, nuke-leer devices, or well, pretty much anything that makes a real loud noise is generally frowned on. Also, corn lickker in his thermos won't win ya any awards for parent of the year neither. (Ask Bubba how he knows this.)

   Send some pencils, paper, and crayons on the first day. You can't go wrong here. Even if he don't need 'em, it will give him something to do while Miz Crabtree sorts out who sits where, and untangles all the knotted shoe laces.

   Now once he gets settled down in class he is gonna hafta get on the good side of ol' teach. Bring in a good present. Forget apples. Hello, it is FALL. They call it that onna counta apples are FALLing off the trees all over the place. What's so special about an apple anyway? You wanna make an impression on his teacher? Send in a fat juicy ribeye, or a wine and cheeze basket.

   If you think carrying real food on the bus will be a problem, think about a gift certificate to a nice restaurant. Don't cheap out here. Any resturant with the name of royalty (Face cards) in it, is a no go. For example, certificates to Hamburger King, Deli Queen, or Jack in the Carton, (which usually come in books of 10 for $5 each) will be a dead giveaway you gots no class (and no money for the GOOD presents above) so who you think is gonna get in on the ground floor, and get the premium spot at nap time? Ain't gonna be Jr., no sir. It will be Suzy May Gotbucks, who brought in a card for dinner for two at Red Crab, or Outfront Steak Shak.

   If you don't want to go the food route, tickets to the race or the pro ball game are always good. Especially if they include round trip air fare. Cars and jewelry are a bit of overkill, at least until he gets into Middle School and really screws up.

   He will not need his car keys, as they don't assign parking places until at least 4th grade.

   Hope this helps,

Bubba

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Dear Bubba,

   You know that show, "Are you smarter than a 5th grader?" Well I used to think I was, until MY 5th grader started coming home with all these spelling words I never heard of.
  Can you help me out with some way to get one up on this?

  Signed,

Word Challenged

Dear Word Challenged,

   Never fear, it's Bubba to the rescue. It just so happens that yours truly was spelling bee champ-peon of the Punkin' Hollow elementerry skool 5th grade. (For 3 years in a row)
  So without further a-do, welcome to the first edition of:

"Bubba-cabulary"

Six dollar words you have heard, but never knew what the heck they meant.¹
___________

Serendipity

Pronounced: Saran-dipity

The joyous feeling you get when that stupid plastic wrap actually sticks to something (other than itself) it is supposed to. Like the bowl of leftovers you are trying to cover.

Synonym: GLAD-ness

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Antebellum

Pronounced: Aunty Bell-um

Uncle Bellum's wife

See Related:

Antidisestablishmentarianism

Pronounced: Beats me ?

When Aunty's lactose intolerance kicks in.

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Vociferous

Pronounced: VO-See-Fer-us

1) One of the many trees in the Vo family.
Kinda like pine trees.
See Related: Coniferous

2) First Cousin to Hank Williams Jr.
AKA - Ol' Bocephus

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Pusillanimous

Pronounced: Pew-sill-animal-ous (or something like that)

One of the rodents in the Pusill family.
(Latin: Pusill-Rat-lookin-critter)

About the size of a Muskrat.
Often thought to be a myth like a Vole or Nutria. (onna count of nobody has ever seen one of them either.)

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Platitude

Pronounced: Platter-Tude (with a capitol T in "Tude")

One who is VERY proud of their fancy @#$!@#$% platter and has an attitude to back it up.
Usually talks about it a lot. Especially common durring the holidays.

As in: "This is the platter my Great-great-great-great Grandmother made turkey on...
...on the Arc. Bla bla bla ..."

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Garrulous

Pronounced: Garr-Oh-Luss

Simular to Platitude, except one who just won't shut the heck up about his new garage.

Note: Uncle Fred, if you are reading this, I don't care about the new wall-mount tool cabinets you got from Home Despot neither.

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   Now don't ya feel so much smarter,

Bubba

Footnotes:

¹ - and probably still won't when you are done reading this.
² - Links to real definitions are below in case you REALLY care.

Serendipity
Antebellum
Antidisestablishmentarianism
Vociferous
Coniferous
Bocephus
Hank WIlliams Jr. Website
Pusillanimous
Platitude
"To hammer one golden grain of wit into a sheet of infinite platitude." --Motley.
Garrulous

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That's all for this month.

If you have a question burnin' a hole in yer noggin, Bubba can help.

Just E-Mail Bubba
askbubba@discoversouthside.com 

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Disclaimer: Use of the Bogus advice above is probably foolish.
Except for the part about NOT bringing dangerous stuff to school. PLEASE DON'T!